One week before Christmas, I was informed that my potential bride had a very close relationship with someone else for the passed 2 weeks behind my back. It’s been awhile in my life that I was vulnerable to emotional pain. Most of my days I spent on the offensive, in the ready position, to attack even the slightest offense. This is more than just being defensive, or ready to withstand a intense blow to my esteem or ego. This time was a real blindsided hit to my feeler. Surely I open the door to opportunity so having pity on someone like me is a bit naive. I’ve retaliated at every insult on my character swiftly, leaving no chance to discuss this flaw, or how I may improve. No humility. No comprise. No remorse. One thing is for sure, a time comes when we break, sometimes under the pressures of life, and sometimes as a result of human error. My error was pushing her away when I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. This in turn hurt her, leaving her feeling alone and abandoned. She did what she felt would ease her pain. Meanwhile, I was oblivious to her final decision to move on from our relationship. I thought we need some time, but not permanently. She had other thoughts. We communicated very little during this time. When I found out what she was doing with her time, it left me floored. Did I deserve it? Maybe I deserved the reality check that people won’t always do what you think they will. Lesson learned.
This year will be one of several holidays I will spend in torment over the actions of a loved one. What had a promise of a lasting relationship over 15 years ago has become a sick and unhealthy bond between a man and a woman. Certainly this Christmas marks one of my least favorable moments. I do not look forward to being alone, nor do I look forward to spending time with someone who has disappointed me so much. Do I put all the blame on her? Not at all. Did my actions caused some of the events that took place? Absolutely. Is she off the hook completely? Hardly. We all have the choice to decide how we react to stressful situations. No one is perfect in their decision making, but, whatever the choice is will effect your future. Some people react without a thought to consequences. Others have a blueprint to how they will react with a well thought-out plan and possible outcomes. Most people don’t think straight when confronted with an emotional roller coaster or an event.
I’m sitting writing this blog to chronicle my extreme outpour of emotional anguish. I can’t sleep, I’m shaking like a willow tree in a hurricane, and trying to keep my composure as maturely as I can. Thoughts run through my head as to what I could have done better. Questions unanswered swirl in my mind as I fight depression. The mental activity has been keeping me from peaceful sleep. I want to sleep in heavenly peace. Thoughts of suicide cross my mind as a solution to end my body quake. I’m taking inventory of possible things other people are saying about me to others, rendering me even more paralyzed emotionally. I can’t think of nice things to say to others with all these negative thoughts about myself. Needless to say, I’m taking this very hard, and have chosen to blog about it rather than rehearse harmful things I’d like to do to myself or others. I don’t blame it on the PTSD or TBI I was diagnosed with. I don’t blame it on others actions. I blame it on my own involvement in cruel retaliation.
As a Christian, I have found strength and purpose by reading the Bible, attending church services, and serving others. Certainly I am not a model citizen in the Church, but just another person learning to believe. I have moments where I feel like I can take on the world with one pinky, and moments like now where it feels as if the whole world is caving in on me all at once. The Bible calls these moments times of refining, correcting or realigning. Paul writes of a thorn on his side to buffet him. David writes many Psalms on repentance and mercy from his actions. I have nothing but mistakes and errors in my past I wish I could erase. I have a beautiful 20 year-old daughter from my ex-wife that I’ve missed out on being a legitimate father towards. I have another beautiful 12 year-old daughter I consistently feel I have failed by not being married to the mother. Guilt grips me. Feelings of failure and worthlessness consumes me. I attempted to be around people just to get through the state of loneliness. I’ve done a lot to cause this time of pain, but what do I do now? Prayer is definitely working because many things I rehearse in my head in retaliation goes away with meditating and communicating to God.
This is not an attack on anyone for how I feel, this is just a journal entry of my current situation. At the very least, I sit here in complete humility, oozing with compassion for the lonely, the heart broken, the faint at heart. Maybe this experience was purposed just for that reason, to open my heart to the hurt that others may be feeling this year. I know people personally dealing with divorce, loss of family, etc, that needs to see that they are not alone. This weekend I need more encouragement than ever, yet I know by writing this, someone else will be encouraged.
For further reading, Here is a post I shared on facebook: